Learning
Escape The Beach Season Blues
by Karen Schachter, contributing editor
http://www.dishingwithyourdaughter.com
I have always loved the quote by Ghandi, "Be the change you wish to see." I think it resonates deeply with me because I tend to be a "fixer." If I see something not working, I want it to work. If I see someone suffering, I want to help her feel better. I tend to develop angst over problems in the world and wish things could be different. I became a social worker, frankly, because I wanted to change the world.
At the same time, I know on a very deep level that the most powerful thing I can do is to embody those changes myself. I am not advocating passivity - in fact, quite the opposite. I believe that in order to change the world, we must first tune inward.
In my role as therapist, coach, friend, volunteer, and passionate supporter of making the world a better place, this has gotten much easier. It has become clearer to me that when I am struggling with wanting to change someone or something, I have to tune in to myself first; I have to focus on healing this part of me before I can really be of service to anyone else.
However, in my role as a mother, and oh, how I hate to admit this, sometimes, wife - this is not so easy!
Can you relate?
It is painful to see our children struggling! It is challenging to imagine their potentially doomed future if they don’t listen to us! As parents, we have powerful ideas about what their behaviors, thoughts, values, characteristics, actions, etc. should be so our children can live their best possible lives. In the service of loving our children, we may try to get them to "be" a certain way.
In my less than wisest moments, I've resorted to begging, pleading, bribing, nagging, and yelling to get my children to see and do things my way. In the service of "helping them" because I "want them to be happy or healthy," I have acted in ways that weren't in any one's best interest and frankly, did not work!
Don't get me wrong. I am a huge believer in setting limits and guiding and being clear about our expectations and even being very firm. This is part of what being a parent means. However, if we don't model what we are trying to teach, if we do not internally embody the values and behaviors and beliefs that we are trying so hard to convey, we will be teaching and setting limits and being firm until we are blue in the face. We must be their living example.
When I get annoyed with my children for begging for more toys and notrecognizing how lucky they are given all the starving children in the world, I know it's time to examine my relationship with my own stuff. Do I value and treat kindly the things that I have? Have I been grateful for how lucky I am, or instead feeling sorry for myself because someone else has more?
If I want my children to stop begging for sweets, I have to work on my own feelings of deprivation when I say no to sweets, or other things for myself. I also have to get clear on what saying no to them means, and work on my own guilt over disappointing them. Most importantly, I have to value my own body and health and well-being so I can convey to them the importance of valuing theirs.
In the words of Yehuda Berg*, "...like candles, we should allow the radiance of our thoughts and deeds to warm and enlighten our children, and ourselves. In this way, the changes in our own lives become examples and inspiration for them to follow."
My wish for you, as this new school year approaches and offers you another opportunity to support and guide your children, is that you offer yourself the same warm radiance of your thoughts and deeds that you offer to so many around you. That is the most powerful way to create change in yourself, your family, your community and even the world.
*"72 Names of God" by Yehuda Berg